I’ve been speaking to a lot of people about broken relationships over the past few years. I won’t call them “failed” because we know most relationships can be solved if they really want to, that is, if BOTH parties want to. And that takes work and effort. This goes back to how love is a decision and not a feeling, something we choose to be in come what may.

Common values as opposed to common interests. How many people have fallen in love because they have common interests? Mine was of music, food, travel, reading, movies, the same hometown and may I add God as little as I know of Him then. Heck, our mothers were classmates! It sounds like a typical romance, doesn’t it?

Over time, interests change. Then what? Why Men Need Sex And Women Need Love written by body language expert Allan Pease talks about how women’s goals change every 10 years whereas men never change at all. Yes, you could be stuck with that 20 year old boy for the rest of your life!

The Bible talks about looking for someone who’s equally yoked and I always feel that this goes beyond religion. Some Indians still practise the concept of arranged marriages and the idea is to look at the family backgrounds, financial status, intellect and educational levels and of course the same faith. If there is approval between the couple, then they proceed with marriage and fall in love AFTER marriage. I am simplifying things here but I see a lot of arranged marriages lasting the journey because the fundamentals were addressed at the get-go.

Of course we would automatically be attracted to someone who we have common interests with and that would obviously be the first base of connection. It’s just that we have to ask the deeper questions which I admit can be quite tiring as it’s easy to get caught up in the euphoria and excitement of the possibility of love. Here’s an article that talks about values in the marriage which include the usual suspects of unconditional love, faithfulness, honesty, open communication, et al .

Picture this. If two oxen are unequally yoked, one will be carrying the burden more than the other. To carry the load together doesn’t mean there is no load, but at least the load is equally shared. Common values will help you carry the load evenly whereas common interests won’t. Forget about passion, attraction, desire and dare I say it, lust, unless you want your judgments to be even more clouded.

Don’t get me wrong
If I’m looking kind of dazzled
I see neon lights
Whenever you walk by

Don’t get me wrong
If you say hello and I take a ride
Upon a sea where the mystic moon
Is playing havoc with the tide
Don’t get me wrong

The lyrics from a Pretenders hit. When you hear yourself gushing this way, oh oh. Proverbs 3:5 says “Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding” because the heart is most definitely misleading.

Unfortunately I haven’t found the magic elixir yet. There are still deep questions about common interests vs common values I have yet to get answers for. The romantic notion of looking at sunsets, drinking pina coladas and holding hands are still things girls hold on to (me anyway). Maybe one day I’ll hit the jackpot. As for now, be still my beating heart 🙂


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